"no matter how it ends. no matter how it starts."

it's a feeling like being loosely wrapped in a sheet of satin that is six inches wide, but twenty-eight feet long. it's a delightful dizziness. the way your skin feels half of a second before you break out with goosebumps.

"now that you feel it/ You don't."

[it's
difficult
to
type
with
a
cat
blocking
your
monitor.]
_________________ . .


i know i sound like a broken record lately, but it seems to be an issue that has been coming up more and more frequently in conversation. i've grown to constantly avoid being alone. i can't be at home for more than a short while. i always need to be surrounded by my friends or i begin to sink into a foul state of mind where i question everything i should trust. [ever-surrounded by people and empty bottles.] but the fucked up thing about it is that i never let my guard down. i'm always shielded. even when i try to open up, it's never one hundred percent. how is it possible to be so dependent on others, but not really ever let them in?

i love.
love.
love.
but i wont let myself feel loved.

"nighttime comes i'm still impatient..

my phone rings my whole day changes."


______________________ x.

"i'm thinking over it. i think too much."

i’ve been nursing this hangover for the past several days. my body’s been cracking with every move i make and my skull feels like its full of bees. it’s okay though—sometimes i think mondays are supposed to feel this way. not having class until tuesday, mondays have become my sundays. i always wake up on this particular day of the week in the same peculiar mood. i don’t have the right word for it. i don’t even really know how to explain it. jamie keeps telling me, “kc, you internalize everything.” and i know she’s right. my mind is always racing. Constantly. i am endlessly taking in every moment—every detail that i can possibly retain, and then i let it all play over and over and over again in my head trying to analyze it. pick it apart. scrutinize every last second until i've twisted it all to make sense to my own disturbingly distorted reality. it makes me a paranoid person. it gives me insomnia. i feel like i just cant sit still anymore. i've just stopped opening up to everyone. all the people i hold close, the friends i should be able to say absolutely anything to.. they're all left in the dark about what i'm actually feeling at least ninety-five percent of the time. and i know it's making me insane__. i complain about feeling removed, but it's my own fault. i made it this way. and now i just need to figure out how to reverse that. nearly everything about this weekend was unexpected. maybe that’s why i’m in a especially apprehensive mood today-- because i just haven’t been able to make sense of it all yet. i feel intensely happy and irrationally despondent simultaneously.
my stomach is in knots.
my heart is in my mouth.
i’m on tenterhooks.
het up.
strung out.

having kittens.




"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

[Monsieur, Monsieur, Monsieur, how about another one?]"

happy easter.

r.i.p.

For the past month i've been growing marigolds in a small, blue egg.
it's one of the first times in my life that i haven't killed a plant within a week.
i forgot to feed the cats last night before i went to bed --

and this morning i found the flowers in pieces.

"we talk, we twist, we turn, we blow our circuits."

___________________

taken out/ let in.
let out/ taken in.

we're reaching for the same thing-
just with different compositions.

___________________ .

"a good drift takes drive."

there's nothing quite like sitting at the lake at nearly three am with a vanilla coke, a pack of parliaments, and the fiery furnaces.
sometimes i just need to be near water.

[ i miss the ocean.]

"sleepwalk like honey, honey."

why is spring break over already??

rackle-frackle, baryshnikov.

rantastic.

Can’t type efficiently enough to catch the thoughts running through my head right now. I want to dance wildly until I fall over from pure physical exhaustion. Mr. face in my lap at the moment seeming agitated by the rapid aggressive typing. Tick tick tick. Space. I want to feel hands on my face and hands through my hair. Skin on my skin. "it's not who you are, no it’s better than that. it’s not who you are not, its better than..” [detachment kit on repeat.] I feel elated one moment and worn out the next. What does it take to find a sense of stability. Where is my plateau? I want to feel close. I need to be apart. I want everything to be new but I’m terrified of the change and I feel trapped trapped so fucking stuck it makes me want to scream and it makes me hate the things I know I really love, but because of the sensation of obligation I cant help but want to lash out. I want to run until my lungs bleed and scream the most obnoxious scream ever heard by human ears. I want to produce something beautiful. I want to make a song or write a book. I want to jump on a plane by myself head off to some foreign city and just disappear. I want to start over and not worry about anything of the present. I love it all and I cant breathe at the same time and I feel like my heart will explode from rapture or sadness or apathy all at once and none of it makes sense even to me but my heart feels it none the less and my emotions have nothing to do with rationality so I guess that’s okay.

"quartz doesn't burn, rust doesn't hum."

i have the impending sense that a lot is going to change very soon. it's like i can't completely exhale. i haven't had this feeling since late last april-- and look what happened then. it's like the body's way of preparing you, so that the shock won't completely break you.
coffee tastes better than it ever has today.
my psyche feels sherbet-orange and feathered.
i had a dream last night about a huge bird that was the shape and size of an ostrich but the colors of a peacock.

"but nope, with my telescope."

-"look at that dust. that dust must have been there for like fifty years. doesn't that freak you out??"

________________
________________

-"goldschlager.. why they hell would anyone get us shots of goldschlager??"
-" it's because of your earrings.
i. blame. it. on. your. earrings."

"a good stumble's a symphony."

it's like being submerged in mud and letting the red of the soil soak into your skin.
it's like listening to whitenoise through headphones.
apple-green and aubergine.

"there's no better time to let the cannons fly,
because there are no whites and there are no eyes."

"i'm waiting to know you far away."

my eyelids each feel like they weigh twelve pounds.
i'm not sure i'll ever get used to contacts. or lack of sleep for that matter.
i am going to enjoy a week of sleeping in more than even i can comprehend at the moment.

my day has gone from houndstooth to paisley.

__________ x.

"the smoke in your breath/ the breathing hard and heavy.."

i just spent the last ten minutes trying to get in my apartment using the wrong key.

"you live life like everyone's an enemy."

my thoughts have the sound of writing rapidly on a chalkboard.
i can't turn them off.
i__can't__turn__them__off.
it's like taking sandpaper to the inside of your skull.

"cover my eyes.
i'm feeling sick.
i'm getting paranoid."

my mind is riddled with the things that aren't-
but could be.

Theo Jansen is incredible.

you should watch this.
i promise it's worth your time.

"on gentle ground, i'm waiting for you..."

small steps towards self-motivation____..
lately i have been feeling more inspired-- and i feel constantly compelled to put the ideas out of the clutter of my brain into one type of physical manifestation or another.
now, it's more just a matter of time. the only real prevention to my ambition is not getting out of bed early enough in the day and taking the time to figure out how to go about it.


last night i had another dream about him.
i woke up with a heavy sigh knowing that i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.
___________ x.


my spooky-angel-doll-baby needs a name.

"well that's life, kiddo."

waking up today-- my bones felt like they were made of wood.

it made waking in the grey at 8:30 am even more delightful.

it melted away the brittle feeling almost immediately.

unfortunately class was the destination.

flash is ridiculously frustrating.
working in a new program every couple weeks is starting to drive me batty.
the minute i start to get comfortable working in one of them, it's time to move onto another program altogether.
i'm not a fan of time-based media. there is a reason i switched from majoring in animation to design.
damn you, design III.
_________________ . .

"please hold me down."

how do you train yourself to not take things so seriously?

almost daily, i find myself treating trivial matters as though they were situations of life or death.

.___h____________.

[closes eyes.
inhales deeply.
slowly exhales.

10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5..
4..
3.. 2..

..1.]