ahhhh.

finished phobia map! :0!

"if i could only get you oceanside."

i woke up late this morning with my thoughts feeling like waves crashing on a dirty, grey beach during a tropical storm. lolling. rolling in, carrying scattered bits of debris away into a uniform gunmetal resevoir. i am in love with sound of the rain striking our third story windows and replaying over and over dreams of cats and friends i haven't contacted in years. sea salt flavored memories that smell like wet cement on a 67 degree evening.
there is no one manning the lighthouse.

"i'm sick of losing sleep."

"the black is hiding.

. . so pick up a paintbrush."

my toes have slowly been going numb since 8:57 this morning.

Fortunately i managed to make it to class on time today. i'm crossing my fingers that i can keep this trend going.

i need to write a paper on edward curtis tonight.

i am severely dreading it.

this past weekend i finally got my nose pierced. a tiny little gem on the left side. [i love it.]

i also got my $50 check from One Condoms for designing a wrapper. in march i'll get 365 condoms with my design sent to my door. ["reserve yours today!"] it's the first design i've ever been paid for. my designer cherry was officially popped.

by a condom.

how appropriate.

today my ego is sea foam green with yellow water marks. i cannot stop listening to Greg Weeks' album "awake like sleep." i dreamt of snow and awoke to rain. [both inside and outside.. my bathroom ceiling is crying.] my hair is dirty. my shirt is checked.
i made a list of all my phobias this week for a project. the grand total is 63. a couple among the list are:
automatonophobia (dummies, wax statues, etc.)
cacophobia (ugliness)
dermatophobia (skin disease)
ergophobia (work)
helminthophobia (being infested with worms)
hypengyophobia (responsibility)
macrophobia (long waits)
obesophobia (gaining weight)
onomatophobia (use of certain words)
papaphobia (the pope)
pediophobia (dolls)
rhytiphobia (getting wrinkles)

. . . just to name a few . . .

my fears feel like bullets sitting silently in a handgun.

"don't let the sun blast your shadow."

the long awaited update . .

summer came and went with the speed of a fighter jet. how is it september already??

the things i said i would complete this summer- my website, my portfolio, deep cleaning the house, taking a class, getting a job. .

none of it happened.

instead i enjoyed being overwhelmed by sloth. i stayed up until the sun rose and slept away my mornings and afternoons. i found myself in maryland twice, in savannah twice, and in france for two weeks. i found myself in smoky bars and hazy apartments. i found myself in cars, on couches, and in beds. i climbed the walls, slept upside-down, and embraced the floor. i was still yet constantly turning.

i was hideous.

i was ravishing.

i was abstemious.

i was intoxicated.

somehow amidst the silence and the chaos i found a stability. a steadiness that i had been craving for years.