"i had a dream last night, and it fit me like a glove."

I had a dream last night that i was back in Amsterdam. While i was staring into the mirror putting my face on before class i couldn't help but think about my last couple nights there last summer. It was the only time in my life that i have actually thought i was going to die. The first night i fell ill, i spent nearly eight hours unable to pull myself off the bathroom floor. I was vomiting at least every twenty minutes and drifting in and out of consciousness. At one point i actually started to hallucinate. I couldn't see straight and i started to hear voices. As scared as i was, there was something about the whole scenario that seemed alright - that if i was going to die, i could think of nothing more appropriate than mysteriously getting sick and kicking the bucket at the age of twenty on the cold bathroom floor of a five star hotel in Amsterdam.

"Chronology"

chronology is not what i'm made of.
chronology just marks on my hand.
apology is just what you're made of,
and i can see a place on the map.

and you go and walk out out on me,
and i can see a place on the map.
and you go and walk out on me,
and you go far across the sea.
waiting is the hardest thing.

chronology makes all his plans.
biology is caked on my hands.
apology is just where we stand.
and as you see, i didn't know this man,
and we go far across the sea,
and you know he doesn't recognize me.
waiting is the hardest thing.

grace is a great way to push your wait,
and you were in my heart.
you were my grace.

-detachment kit

"it's a great feeling from you."

my new besty:


my new hair:


this past week has been one of the best and the worst of the year so far. i ate some hallucinogenics, watched Mirrormask, Alice in Wonderland, and Wallace and Grommit. I wandered down abandoned streets, stared dreamily at retro wallpaper, and befriended Slimers McGee. i laid on my car, stared at the stars, and shuffled around looking at everything as if i had seen it for the first time. The following day i dyed my hair the most fantastic shade of neon magenta and went with Faith to P.F.Changs and the Steel Train show. Fall break ended and i had to go back to class on wednesday and accidentally slept through my classes yesterday. I awoke to an angry voicemail, freaking out yesterday morning, and came to realize that i am in much more financial trouble than i had realized. I ended up having to call my father in France to have him send me money so that i can afford my rent this month. I hate to ask him for things, and as soon as i picked up the phone to ring him i felt like i would instantly vomit. Faith rescued me on my day from hell and a group of us headed to mcouls for a pitcher of Stella and dinner. after hanging out watching the boob tube, i went home to an empty apartment, plugged all the christmas lights in, and fell asleep watching a bizarre movie. i awoke at 6 am to find a man yelling at me from the television to buy a vacuum.

"we're off for a dark country ride."

yesterday i didn't go to class and started my fall break a day early. however, i did put a dent in my video installation project by spending the afternoon driving around brown summit and shooting with Lauren. The first location we found was an old abandoned farm house. We trecked through a severely overgrown lawn up to the porch, and on the first step i tried to take, my foot went through the the rotting planks. We made it inside to find old tattered couches, 1950s scales, torn up shag carpeting, probably one of the first treadmills ever made, and what appeared to be old magazine tear-outs of David Hasselhoff. After shooting in each of the rooms, we headed out to find the next spot. We drove aimlessly for quite sometime without much success, so we decided to stop and ask a woman closing up her garage if she could point us in the direction of some abandoned houses or tobacco barns. She told us to pull in to the next driveway over, and said she'd meet us over there to point out some places. We came to find out that they owned the surrounding fifty acres of land, which had been in their family for centuries. There was a caving in log cabin across the street that her husband told us was built in the 1700s. He explained that his father died under the tree in front of the cabin. She walked us over there and pointed out a house that no one lived in, except perhaps the ghost of her husbands grandmother that each of them reported to have seen. The yard was filled with old cars, two ambulances, random chairs and equipment, washing machines, and moldy lawn ornaments. Once we finished shooting, we headed back across the street to their house to thank them and get my car. She ended up taking us on a tour around her farm to show us her miniature donkey, Chester, three of her ten horses, the and the most adorable piglets i have ever seen in my life. They were both incredibly nice, and definitely made my day a lot more interesting than i would have ever expected. The whole situation was hilariously bizarre.
Here are a few shots from the day:

I've been in a drastically brighter place than i have been in years. I was trying to think of what's changed enough to provoke the optimistic attitude, and the only thing that's been different lately is the fact the i have been single. It's now been a year and a half, and i'll admit that for the first 6-9 months that fact made me feel as if there was something wrong with me. However, i've recently come to realize that being single is exactly what i've been needing to figure out what i think is right with me.

Watching the clock for the past hour in my math class, i couldn't help but wonder, "why on earth does anyone like math?" i suppose it's because no matter where you are from or what culture you associate yourself with, math is always the same. It's because of its severe objectivity that i don't enjoy it at all. Whenever i am exposed to new information i want to internalize it, personalize it, and then externalize it using my own voice. In mathematics, everyone sounds the same.

I find that life is more worth living if you look at everything as unique and intrinsically beautiful - when every glance is a composition of infinite detail whose exactitude is irreplicable.

driving home just now, the moon looked like an orange slice.

Fun Wallpapers i Made For You!!

this is what happens when i decide to tool around during class instead of researching for the upcoming project..

_______________________________ .

Yesterday i was struck by the urge to create. i spent a couple hours cross-legged on the sofa occasionally glancing up at Kimora on the television whilst hacking up old issues of Juxtapoz. On my walk home today i plan on stopping by Addams to pick up some gesso, so i can get started at spray painting and pasting onto one of the huge canvases in the basement left by the previous tenants. It's been several months since i've really spent time on any sort of personal artistic endeavor, as opposed to working only on class assignments.

_______________________________ .

Lately i've been wondering if my fascination with photography has distorted the way in which i view the world. we come to accept photographic images as truth- as empirical evidence of past events, places, or people. People who have come to redesign themselves through their photographs.

do the images we have of ourselves actually describe who we really are?

or do the images we have of ourselves describe who we want to be?

especially since the rise of the digital era, most of us tend to only keep and present the photos of ourselves where we think we look out best [or not even like ourselves], dressed to the nines, surrounded by 'friends' [whom we may not actually see very often], in the most impressive places, and amidst and array of unique or riveting objects. taking a look through other's photos, i have to wonder how often they actually spend their time like the individual in the pictures. Is the photo an accurate representation since they did in fact have to be present in the picture? Or is it that because we only reveal particular parts about our natures in pictures they cannot be accepted as truthful documentation?

i don't actually have any of the answers.

[not yet anyway.]

for now, it's just food for thought.

allow me to masticate on the questions i am presenting.

i'll come back to them soon enough.

so i think i finally figured out what i'm going to be for Halloween this year. the thought crossed my mind sometime late last night, but i still wasn't 100% about it.
this morning i blindly reached into my box of assorted gevalia coffees and the first one i pulled out was Columbia. i took that as my sign.