Overcast Morning

"Good morning, Starshine.."

2009-07-29T13:54:00.009-04:00

".. the earth says, 'Hello.'"

[one of the last projects i completed for school- finally posted. click for close-ups.]

2009-04-30T13:46:00.001-04:00

[Designing flyers is so much fun!]

This is a show you shouldn't miss!!

[miss A, i'm slowly making you a celebrity in the G.]

"Keep the dream but never scream."

2009-04-29T09:34:00.004-04:00

There has been a recurring theme in my dreams for the past ten years. It seems i am always trying to get away from something terrifying, but once i try to run it's as if my legs each way 200 lbs. and i can hardly push myself forward. Last night i was running from 2 ft. tall tarantulas with copper-colored legs and snowy white faces.
This morning i finally realized what i need to do:
stop trying to run, turn around, and face my opponent.
I need to battle my fears hand-to-hand.

"Countdown to a tight sound, and so it begins.."

2009-04-21T15:01:00.003-04:00

3 hours until class is over.

3 days until the weekend.

4 days until Lauren and Elier's birthday hoopla on the party bus.

24 days until Graduation.

1 month until my birthday.

1 month plus a couple days until my trip to visit Chicago and the fantastic Miss A.

2 months and 9 days until i have to be moved out of Wafco.

1 video project left to shoot and edit.

1 series of photos to be edited and printed.

1 speech to prepare and deliver.

1 art history exam left.

2 sculptures left to complete.

I'm so close to being finished with my B.F.A. 5 years, 4 majors, and 2 universities later and i will officially be a college graduate. It's thrilling and spooky simultaneously.

it's so close now.

2009-03-05T15:08:00.004-05:00

spring break is so close i can taste it. after 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, i will unwind. i will officially have nine consecutive opportunities to sleep in. i will have to time to fill out internship applications. i will [hopefully] finish [or at least make significant progress on] my website. i will get the oil changed in my car. i will paint my toenails neon pink. i will get started printing for my independent study project. i will take a daytrip to the zoo. i will drink beer and eat blue eggs for breakfast.

i managed to make it out of town for 24 hours this past weekend. it had been so long since i'd been away from the boro. three months and one day to be exact. faith and i took a brief excursion to raleigh to spend an absolutely lovely night at the Manor. i had more fun touring a basement than should be allowed. i drank too much, danced a little, and awoke to the sound of rain against second story windows.

classes were cancelled monday. it made me sad when i realized i could have stayed in raleigh for one more day, but that soon was replaced by the thrilled realization that i would not have to get myself covered in plaster until wednesday.

the rest of the week has come and gone like a dream does upon waking. nothing significant, just bits and pieces of banalities drifting in a gaussian blur.

i'll edit until my eyeballs bleed.

2009-02-26T15:25:00.003-05:00

This video was completed last fall for my independent study. It was created using only photographic stills shot on a Canon Rebel and edited together in Final Cut.

This is my most recent film. It was my first time editing using my own video footage.

Shooting this project made me realize just how incredibly out of shape i am.

2009-02-12T12:45:00.000-05:00

i will always hold your hand.

"i was too drunk or too young. of that i can be sure."

2009-02-05T15:59:00.002-05:00

Inspiration strikes.

i close my eyelids and watch a slideshow of brightly colored figurines amongst a chaotic pattern of branches, a girl running in a black bell hat and a yellow overcoat across train tracks in the dark, dizzying layers one atop another, a kidnapping of The Daisy Duke, christmas lights twinkling.

I've been teaching myself to control my anxieties- develop a of laissez-faire attitude.
I'm no longer getting angry about little things that ordinarily would drive me batty. like dishes piling in the sink, Mr. Kitty's howling fits, people walking too slowly in front of me in the hall, the sounds of coughing and sniffling, being kept awake by the sociopath upstairs blaring bad 90s hits, sunday drivers . .

i want my work to reflect this change.

not that i'll take on my projects with any less ambition or concern, but i'm moving towards more lighthearted subject matter. I want the characters i create to express the humor and absurdity we experience in our daily lives.

"Ageing Young Rebel"

2009-01-29T16:43:00.001-05:00

i happily stumbled across this by sheer accident.
it's lovely.

"why do birds suddenly appear"

2009-01-29T13:44:00.003-05:00

Day nine of the cold count.
still feeling miffed about not being able to spend the summer months in europe, although it means my impending escape from the G has been pushed forward.
[moths fluttering against the walls of my abdomen.]
my dreams have developed a feline face motif.
days pass while i sip stale coffee and smoke parliaments,
playing with dolls and cameras.
i chipped my milk glass ring.
today i received a sun-faded Sandman poster in exchange for a smile-
a smug grin plastered to my face the rest of the walk home.

"you are a yellow surprise."

"i just need a number and location."

2009-01-26T10:48:00.003-05:00

one week of classes down . .
about thirteen more to go . .

and then i will finally have my B.F.A. in design.

i've been racking my brain trying to come up with what i want to do for my independent study this semester. I want to move past my typical black&whites and explore the incredible world of color. because i'm taking a video editing course i think i'm going to get more than my fill of final cut this semester, so i don't want to do another video for 499 as i had originally planned. The proposal is due wednesday, leaving me only two more days to come up with an innovative way to present color prints.
i have to give my first speech in my communication studies course tomorrow morning.
dinner with my dad tomorrow evening.
it's not even february and i'm already feeling the pressure.
is graduation really going to be enough motivation to keep on top of everything??
i guess it has to be.
graduation followed by moving back up north.
back to a place in which i can experience all four seasons of the year as my childhood convinced me they should be.
leaving the ball and chain of greensboro.
growing up.

"i like pink."

2009-01-15T16:10:00.000-05:00

best thing to happen to television.
i love being a child of the 90s.

French Doors & Whores

2009-01-11T15:03:00.003-05:00

only 11 days into 2009, and it's already proving to be more interesting than i had hoped. Drunken debauchery to keep celebrating the holiday season that i don't want to end. Already i was in a fight, had x-rays taken for the first time, thought i lost two of my best friends, made amends with one of them, made all the wrong choices, made all the right choices, taken too many shots, and been watched through glass doors.
somehow amidst the bedlam i've managed to be productive. i've been looking for a job and started putting my site together. it's still under severe construction, but you should take a look.
check it.

"Holes"

2009-01-05T16:50:00.002-05:00

Time, all the long red lines
that take control
of all the smoke-like streams
that flow into your dreams.
That big blue open sea
that cant be crossed, that cant be climbed
just born between,
oh, the two white lines,
distant gods and faded signs.
of all those blinking lights,
you had to pick the one tonight.

Holes, dug by little moles,
angry, jealous spies
got telephones for eyes,
come to you as friends,
all those endless ends
that can't be tied.
Oh, they make me laugh
and always make me cry.
until they drop like flies
and sink like polished stones.
of all the stones i've thrown,
how does that old song go??

Killing time?

2008-12-04T17:46:00.002-05:00

Do you like Jackson Pollock?
how much?

Maybe you prefer lewd women.

or perhaps you just desire more options?

Take a trip to see the Fragile Circus
and step into the outre theater.

2008-12-02T18:56:00.001-05:00

This was in my inbox on colourlovers.com today.
yes- it's hokey, but i think we've all had at least a couple of those days where a hug made all the difference.

Flea Market.

2008-12-02T00:25:00.004-05:00

Sunday-
Faith, Max, and myself head to the flea market. we drive down 40 through the grey wetness. The brief ride through winston feels like a trip through a walker evan's photobook left out in the rain. A half hour passes in the car, and we end up at Cook's. We park in the back, trudge through gravel, hop over puddles, climb the rusty stairs, and enter through a red door. Inside - it's amazing. A dim, musty warehouse with concrete floors. Voices of men, women, and children speaking in different tones, accents, dialects, languages echo. My eyes can't take it all in. Ramshackle booths with wobbly-legged tables and rolls of chicken wire. Everything is for sale, up for bargain (except the E.T. lamp at the old man's candle stand). Used books, dusty albums, plastic and poorly painted animals, vacuums, colorful tupperware containers, hookahs and bongs and other glassware, lion head lamps and zebra ashtrays, musical piggy banks with pupils blown like they're on ecstasy, baby bamboo trees in panda-shaped dishes, sleepy-eyed puppies, hotdog stands with vendors in stuffed hotdog hats, technicolor cowboy boots and sparkling vinyl handbags . . I wander off with my camera in hand trying to catch fleeting glances of unaware passersby. I stop and ask half a dozen for photos. They all respond the same- "why??" i explain it's just for my own pleasure, and all but one crotchity old hag comply. I purchase a pink and peacock feather mask from the World Famous Wizard. He's closing up, smiles, and gives it to me for half off, a grand total of $2. His portrait is my favorite from the day. Before we know it closing time arrives and we venture back out into the rain. We drive home through the dark with Vampire Weekend playing our soundtrack.

"Pink: Deconstructed"

2008-11-29T19:07:00.007-05:00

This is the project i most recently completed for my digital darkroom class. The assignment was to create three composites based on a word of our choice. The prints are 2' x 2'.

2008-11-29T18:28:00.003-05:00

"Fiat ars - pereat mundus."
_________________________ .

I'm tiptoeing into another epoch where the distinction between endings and beginnings have adopted the blur of the vision of a thin twenty-something after rapidly gulping a fifth of Everclear. i'm finding beauty in the anti-aesthetic and ugliness in the decadent. I'm finally beginning to be developed into the positive of the negative of myself that's been exposing for the past twenty-two years.
what will emerge in the developing bath?

A grainy, over-enlarged image from 800 Lomographic color negative film.

"the rainbow still looks pretty when it bleeds."

2008-11-13T12:03:00.005-05:00

i love the feeling of relief that comes with leaving class on thursday and embracing the weekend. Even though i have a lot of work to do this weekend with my type book being due on monday, shooting that needs to be done for my digital darkroom class, and working on my independent study video, it still feels wonderful to know that i get to sleep in a little bit for a few days and work according to my own schedule.
the later it gets in the semester, the more my amount of sleep each night decreases. I've been going on 4-6 hours each night. Coffee is my saviour and my rapidly approaching graduation is my motivation. Just six months left to go.
the highlight of my week has been going to see Brent perform in a drag show at the Warehouse on Sunday night. He was absolutely Fantastic. Goddamn him and those long legs - he makes a prettier woman than i am.
The rest of the week has been the typical routine of waking up too early, going to class, coming home to get some [but never enough] work done, going to hang out at the S Elm St. domicile for bad reality television, random conversations, giggle fits, and tea time, then coming home too late and crashing just to wake up and do it all again the next day.

i Love Kate Nash.

2008-11-09T17:49:00.004-05:00

Skeleton you are my friend
But you are made of bone
And you have got no flesh and blood
Running through you to help protect the bone
Skeleton we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials
And tribulations and some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird
And I should have known
That it wouldn't be long
Until you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do
Skeleton we are so close
But you have got no body
So why do you insist on wearing clothes
Skeleton when we were young
It was easy
Even though the other kids
They would tease me
But I was only seven I had you
But now I'm twenty-two
And now it's different, when I take you out
And you, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I don't know what to do
'Cause sometimes at night,
I dream of the most terrible things
I take a hammer and I creep out of bed
And I raise it high
And I smash your head
Fibular and tubular
And ribs and cages, too
In fact, while I'm here
I'll smash the whole of you
Smaaaaaaaaaaash !
But Skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end
Yes Skeleton you are, you are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end
And even though, when I take you out
You've got me, you've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go
And that is all I know
And that is all I know
And that is all I, that is all I know
And that is all I know, know

2008-11-09T02:45:00.004-05:00

got home about an hour ago. spent the night hanging out with faith & friends drinking a cheap bottle of white wine, gossiping, and gazing at the boob tube occasionally. I felt exhausted and didn't even want to bother with driving home and carrying my laundry across the street and up three flights of stairs . . but of course the second i end up inside the apartment, i feel wired. i got on my computer to try to get a little more of my video edited, popped my headphones in, and turned shuffle on. of course the first three songs in succession were all tracks that remind me of different exes. and while they didn't leave me disheartened for the reasons most people would suspect, they just left me nostalgic not so much for the specific people they bring to mind, but for everything else that was going on in my life at the time i was with them. living in the attic and painting gold poetry on the walls, living in the Tondee, driving to the beach, flying to different time zones, car rides, hours spent on the roof, day trips to record stores, indie shows, 40s, noise rock, personal pan pizzas, bad horror flicks and worse foreign films, laying in bed wishing you would stop working or worrying, submarines, blurry vision, cigarettes on the curb . . .

"i had a dream last night, and it fit me like a glove."

2008-10-29T11:23:00.004-04:00

I had a dream last night that i was back in Amsterdam. While i was staring into the mirror putting my face on before class i couldn't help but think about my last couple nights there last summer. It was the only time in my life that i have actually thought i was going to die. The first night i fell ill, i spent nearly eight hours unable to pull myself off the bathroom floor. I was vomiting at least every twenty minutes and drifting in and out of consciousness. At one point i actually started to hallucinate. I couldn't see straight and i started to hear voices. As scared as i was, there was something about the whole scenario that seemed alright - that if i was going to die, i could think of nothing more appropriate than mysteriously getting sick and kicking the bucket at the age of twenty on the cold bathroom floor of a five star hotel in Amsterdam.

"Chronology"

2008-10-24T16:08:00.003-04:00

chronology is not what i'm made of.
chronology just marks on my hand.
apology is just what you're made of,
and i can see a place on the map.

and you go and walk out out on me,
and i can see a place on the map.
and you go and walk out on me,
and you go far across the sea.
waiting is the hardest thing.

chronology makes all his plans.
biology is caked on my hands.
apology is just where we stand.
and as you see, i didn't know this man,
and we go far across the sea,
and you know he doesn't recognize me.
waiting is the hardest thing.

grace is a great way to push your wait,
and you were in my heart.
you were my grace.

-detachment kit

"it's a great feeling from you."

2008-10-24T14:54:00.008-04:00

my new besty:

my new hair:

this past week has been one of the best and the worst of the year so far. i ate some hallucinogenics, watched Mirrormask, Alice in Wonderland, and Wallace and Grommit. I wandered down abandoned streets, stared dreamily at retro wallpaper, and befriended Slimers McGee. i laid on my car, stared at the stars, and shuffled around looking at everything as if i had seen it for the first time. The following day i dyed my hair the most fantastic shade of neon magenta and went with Faith to P.F.Changs and the Steel Train show. Fall break ended and i had to go back to class on wednesday and accidentally slept through my classes yesterday. I awoke to an angry voicemail, freaking out yesterday morning, and came to realize that i am in much more financial trouble than i had realized. I ended up having to call my father in France to have him send me money so that i can afford my rent this month. I hate to ask him for things, and as soon as i picked up the phone to ring him i felt like i would instantly vomit. Faith rescued me on my day from hell and a group of us headed to mcouls for a pitcher of Stella and dinner. after hanging out watching the boob tube, i went home to an empty apartment, plugged all the christmas lights in, and fell asleep watching a bizarre movie. i awoke at 6 am to find a man yelling at me from the television to buy a vacuum.

"we're off for a dark country ride."

2008-10-17T12:24:00.016-04:00

yesterday i didn't go to class and started my fall break a day early. however, i did put a dent in my video installation project by spending the afternoon driving around brown summit and shooting with Lauren. The first location we found was an old abandoned farm house. We trecked through a severely overgrown lawn up to the porch, and on the first step i tried to take, my foot went through the the rotting planks. We made it inside to find old tattered couches, 1950s scales, torn up shag carpeting, probably one of the first treadmills ever made, and what appeared to be old magazine tear-outs of David Hasselhoff. After shooting in each of the rooms, we headed out to find the next spot. We drove aimlessly for quite sometime without much success, so we decided to stop and ask a woman closing up her garage if she could point us in the direction of some abandoned houses or tobacco barns. She told us to pull in to the next driveway over, and said she'd meet us over there to point out some places. We came to find out that they owned the surrounding fifty acres of land, which had been in their family for centuries. There was a caving in log cabin across the street that her husband told us was built in the 1700s. He explained that his father died under the tree in front of the cabin. She walked us over there and pointed out a house that no one lived in, except perhaps the ghost of her husbands grandmother that each of them reported to have seen. The yard was filled with old cars, two ambulances, random chairs and equipment, washing machines, and moldy lawn ornaments. Once we finished shooting, we headed back across the street to their house to thank them and get my car. She ended up taking us on a tour around her farm to show us her miniature donkey, Chester, three of her ten horses, the and the most adorable piglets i have ever seen in my life. They were both incredibly nice, and definitely made my day a lot more interesting than i would have ever expected. The whole situation was hilariously bizarre.
Here are a few shots from the day:

2008-10-10T15:50:00.003-04:00

I've been in a drastically brighter place than i have been in years. I was trying to think of what's changed enough to provoke the optimistic attitude, and the only thing that's been different lately is the fact the i have been single. It's now been a year and a half, and i'll admit that for the first 6-9 months that fact made me feel as if there was something wrong with me. However, i've recently come to realize that being single is exactly what i've been needing to figure out what i think is right with me.

2008-10-09T15:15:00.003-04:00

Watching the clock for the past hour in my math class, i couldn't help but wonder, "why on earth does anyone like math?" i suppose it's because no matter where you are from or what culture you associate yourself with, math is always the same. It's because of its severe objectivity that i don't enjoy it at all. Whenever i am exposed to new information i want to internalize it, personalize it, and then externalize it using my own voice. In mathematics, everyone sounds the same.

2008-10-09T11:19:00.002-04:00

I find that life is more worth living if you look at everything as unique and intrinsically beautiful - when every glance is a composition of infinite detail whose exactitude is irreplicable.

2008-10-06T23:29:00.001-04:00

driving home just now, the moon looked like an orange slice.

2008-10-06T17:42:00.008-04:00

Fun Wallpapers i Made For You!!

2008-10-06T11:55:00.006-04:00

this is what happens when i decide to tool around during class instead of researching for the upcoming project..

_______________________________ .

Yesterday i was struck by the urge to create. i spent a couple hours cross-legged on the sofa occasionally glancing up at Kimora on the television whilst hacking up old issues of Juxtapoz. On my walk home today i plan on stopping by Addams to pick up some gesso, so i can get started at spray painting and pasting onto one of the huge canvases in the basement left by the previous tenants. It's been several months since i've really spent time on any sort of personal artistic endeavor, as opposed to working only on class assignments.

_______________________________ .

Lately i've been wondering if my fascination with photography has distorted the way in which i view the world. we come to accept photographic images as truth- as empirical evidence of past events, places, or people. People who have come to redesign themselves through their photographs.

do the images we have of ourselves actually describe who we really are?

or do the images we have of ourselves describe who we want to be?

especially since the rise of the digital era, most of us tend to only keep and present the photos of ourselves where we think we look out best [or not even like ourselves], dressed to the nines, surrounded by 'friends' [whom we may not actually see very often], in the most impressive places, and amidst and array of unique or riveting objects. taking a look through other's photos, i have to wonder how often they actually spend their time like the individual in the pictures. Is the photo an accurate representation since they did in fact have to be present in the picture? Or is it that because we only reveal particular parts about our natures in pictures they cannot be accepted as truthful documentation?

i don't actually have any of the answers.

[not yet anyway.]

for now, it's just food for thought.

allow me to masticate on the questions i am presenting.

i'll come back to them soon enough.

2008-10-05T13:50:00.003-04:00

so i think i finally figured out what i'm going to be for Halloween this year. the thought crossed my mind sometime late last night, but i still wasn't 100% about it.
this morning i blindly reached into my box of assorted gevalia coffees and the first one i pulled out was Columbia. i took that as my sign.

ahhhh.

2008-09-28T13:50:00.001-04:00

finished phobia map! :0!

"if i could only get you oceanside."

2008-09-26T15:17:00.004-04:00

i woke up late this morning with my thoughts feeling like waves crashing on a dirty, grey beach during a tropical storm. lolling. rolling in, carrying scattered bits of debris away into a uniform gunmetal resevoir. i am in love with sound of the rain striking our third story windows and replaying over and over dreams of cats and friends i haven't contacted in years. sea salt flavored memories that smell like wet cement on a 67 degree evening.
there is no one manning the lighthouse.

"i'm sick of losing sleep."

2008-09-22T12:15:00.004-04:00

"the black is hiding.

. . so pick up a paintbrush."

my toes have slowly been going numb since 8:57 this morning.

Fortunately i managed to make it to class on time today. i'm crossing my fingers that i can keep this trend going.

i need to write a paper on edward curtis tonight.

i am severely dreading it.

this past weekend i finally got my nose pierced. a tiny little gem on the left side. [i love it.]

i also got my $50 check from One Condoms for designing a wrapper. in march i'll get 365 condoms with my design sent to my door. ["reserve yours today!"] it's the first design i've ever been paid for. my designer cherry was officially popped.

by a condom.

how appropriate.

2008-09-11T18:04:00.004-04:00

today my ego is sea foam green with yellow water marks. i cannot stop listening to Greg Weeks' album "awake like sleep." i dreamt of snow and awoke to rain. [both inside and outside.. my bathroom ceiling is crying.] my hair is dirty. my shirt is checked.
i made a list of all my phobias this week for a project. the grand total is 63. a couple among the list are:
automatonophobia (dummies, wax statues, etc.)
cacophobia (ugliness)
dermatophobia (skin disease)
ergophobia (work)
helminthophobia (being infested with worms)
hypengyophobia (responsibility)
macrophobia (long waits)
obesophobia (gaining weight)
onomatophobia (use of certain words)
papaphobia (the pope)
pediophobia (dolls)
rhytiphobia (getting wrinkles)

. . . just to name a few . . .

my fears feel like bullets sitting silently in a handgun.

"don't let the sun blast your shadow."

2008-09-03T12:02:00.005-04:00

the long awaited update . .

summer came and went with the speed of a fighter jet. how is it september already??

the things i said i would complete this summer- my website, my portfolio, deep cleaning the house, taking a class, getting a job. .

none of it happened.

instead i enjoyed being overwhelmed by sloth. i stayed up until the sun rose and slept away my mornings and afternoons. i found myself in maryland twice, in savannah twice, and in france for two weeks. i found myself in smoky bars and hazy apartments. i found myself in cars, on couches, and in beds. i climbed the walls, slept upside-down, and embraced the floor. i was still yet constantly turning.

i was hideous.

i was ravishing.

i was abstemious.

i was intoxicated.

somehow amidst the silence and the chaos i found a stability. a steadiness that i had been craving for years.

2008-07-07T02:41:00.006-04:00

i have been slacktastic at updating.
i'm too tired to actually write about any of the mayhem of the past couple weeks so i'll sum it up for you:

"sex.
drugs.
and rock n'roll."

i'm leaving for france tomorrow.

"[greensboro] i love you, but you're bringing me down."

2008-06-12T02:11:00.002-04:00

"know that she is tainted.
Burned in the Realtime."

amused by cats attacking blank spaces on the sanitarium grey walls.
sleepy from an evening at the tiger.
rob brezny, you're predictions fail me this week.
out nearly $600 from my first speeding ticket.
new meds making me ill.
show this weekend making me anxious.
$7 orange brazilian boots being uplifting.
more and more appointments with a variety of physicians.
i feel unhinged.
i feel aware.
i've never actually been good at saying 'goodbye'.
there's been an attempt to get my circadian rhythms back in order.
there's been success at optimism.

when there's never enough.

2008-06-10T19:42:00.005-04:00

i absolutely love going out of town.
i constantly crave getting away- even if just for a few days. if i stay in one place for too long it starts to get the better of me, so i try to take advantage of every chance i get to hop in my car and spend a little time elsewhere.
i need the breaks to keep me sane.
however,
i hate the feeling i get every time i come home.
it never fails.
no matter where i go or how long i stay i always feel downcast for a couple days when i get back. i know it will go away, but in the meantime i'm in a bit of a blue funk.
dispirited.
disheartened.
disconsolate.
dismayed.

its funny. i wanted so badly to move away from savannah two years ago, and now every time i go it breaks my heart a little to leave.
i would have to say though, that the fun i had this past weekend is well worth feeling a little bummed out this week.

i'm addicted to polaroids.

2008-05-25T16:00:00.003-04:00

so here is the finished polaroid project. [sorry the lighting is a bit dodgy.]

"the dirty end."

2008-05-13T14:47:00.004-04:00

for those of you who haven't seen this elsewhere,
here's a video i did to one of Kinith's tracks.
this was my first stab at final cut.

it's alright.

2008-05-13T04:20:00.001-04:00

"but when the night is over and the walls start burning
when fire starts to matter and the clock is churning
cliches and other chatter keep are minds from learning."

"they take a polaroid and let you go."

2008-05-06T14:55:00.009-04:00

when i was eight years old my folks bought me my first camera. it was a Polaroid One Step Flash Instant Camera, and i fell in love with it immediately. on february 8, 2008, Polaroid Corporation announced they would no longer be making Polaroid film. because Polaroids were my first exposure to photography [and most likely the cause of my photo addiction], the news left me crestfallen.
for my final photo project this semester i decided to do a series of eighty-one polaroids that are all yellow, black, and white which make up a larger composition in the shape of a polaroid. i'll post an image of the final piece once i pick it up, but for now here are a few of the polaroids used:

"time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth."

2008-05-06T03:18:00.004-04:00

my video is complete.
i am relieved.
i am awake.
i feel i have lost the ability to write anything worthwhile.
cinco de mayo margaritas and shots at the rhino and i wind up back home feeling like typing--
but with nothing to say.
there was a boy sitting at the end of he bar by himself the entire night. it was his birthday and he was alone. it broke my heart a little.

tasty.

2008-04-16T17:37:00.001-04:00

my new favorite concoction:
-white grape juice
-Effen black cherry vodka
-splash of red bull

"revisited."

2008-04-16T03:04:00.004-04:00

"Heard your name the other day
It's been a long, long time
Ancient history, some would say
Another state of mind
You smell of memory
Felt-tipped electric child

She takes a plastic pill
She plays the weatherman
She screams "Religion kills
More than it saves you, man"
She painted filigrees
She was the acid queen
She claims society
Is just a fever dream

Now you live in the trees and salty seas
Trippin' out in the blue skies
You shut the door on everything
Too busy getting high
And me, just another dream theory
Lost inside your eyes

She's not in your history books
Lost her mind and kept her looks
Down beneath the radar screen
She's lit up like gasoline
Been through a million kicks
Looking for the one that sticks
Never would've known it then
I might not see her again

Top hats and tails for thrills
Red lips and famous hands
Sidelong and glancing still
In tiny dancer land."

"this shit will fuck you up."

2008-04-15T17:10:00.001-04:00

"in the call of a new world."

2008-04-15T16:07:00.004-04:00

i managed to make it to my design class this morning, could hardly keep my head up during it despite my large triple somoan, and as soon as it was over i headed home to take a nap through my art history class. i set three alarms hoping they would wake me up on time to make it to philosophy and photo-- but i just now rolled out of bed feeling monumentally disoriented.
so much for classes today apparently.
i struggle horribly come the end of spring semester..
and i'm sure the amount that i have been drinking in the past week hasn't helped either. after celebrating lauren's birthday this weekend through getting rather sozzled at the bar on friday and playing beirut at her soiree on saturday, followed up by a bad combination of riesling and sparks on sunday, which was all topped off by practically closing out the rhino last night-- i suppose it only makes sense that i accidentally took the day off to crash.
on a different note--
in one of my intensely zestful let's-clean-the-whole-house moods yesterday afternoon, i decided to rearrange all the furniture in my bedroom. three hours later everything was swapped and i can now actually see out of my windows. the first night that jamie and i got the keys to the place i sat on the floor of my empty room in the dark, smoked a cigarette, and fell in love with the place. each day since has made the room feel a little bit more constricted to the point where it was starting to make me feel insane. after moving everything around though, i fell in love with it all over again.

mobile misfortune.

2008-04-11T17:17:00.001-04:00

my new phone just broke.
completely broke for no reason at all.

in cages in basements.

2008-04-07T21:15:00.006-04:00

today i spent $243.95 on polaroid film. i dug through the mess in the basement for a half hour searching for my polaroid camera and in the process found toe socks, a telephone that's shaped like lips, and a video tape that i've been wondering about for over a year. i had several expressionless mannequins watching me the whole time silently through the chicken wire.

things to be excited about today:

2008-04-03T20:54:00.002-04:00

-finally changing the color in my hair from emerald green to navy blue.
-getting a wacom tablet.
-getting a 96 on my art history quiz.
-the weekend.

just a few of my favorite things:

2008-04-03T20:49:00.006-04:00

"no matter how it ends. no matter how it starts."

2008-03-31T02:41:00.003-04:00

it's a feeling like being loosely wrapped in a sheet of satin that is six inches wide, but twenty-eight feet long. it's a delightful dizziness. the way your skin feels half of a second before you break out with goosebumps.

"now that you feel it/ You don't."

2008-03-30T14:07:00.010-04:00

[it's
difficult
to
type
with
a
cat
blocking
your
monitor.]
_________________ . .

i know i sound like a broken record lately, but it seems to be an issue that has been coming up more and more frequently in conversation. i've grown to constantly avoid being alone. i can't be at home for more than a short while. i always need to be surrounded by my friends or i begin to sink into a foul state of mind where i question everything i should trust. [ever-surrounded by people and empty bottles.] but the fucked up thing about it is that i never let my guard down. i'm always shielded. even when i try to open up, it's never one hundred percent. how is it possible to be so dependent on others, but not really ever let them in?

i love.
love.
love.
but i wont let myself feel loved.

2008-03-24T21:14:00.004-04:00

"nighttime comes i'm still impatient..

my phone rings my whole day changes."

______________________ x.

"i'm thinking over it. i think too much."

2008-03-24T17:13:00.005-04:00

i’ve been nursing this hangover for the past several days. my body’s been cracking with every move i make and my skull feels like its full of bees. it’s okay though—sometimes i think mondays are supposed to feel this way. not having class until tuesday, mondays have become my sundays. i always wake up on this particular day of the week in the same peculiar mood. i don’t have the right word for it. i don’t even really know how to explain it. jamie keeps telling me, “kc, you internalize everything.” and i know she’s right. my mind is always racing. Constantly. i am endlessly taking in every moment—every detail that i can possibly retain, and then i let it all play over and over and over again in my head trying to analyze it. pick it apart. scrutinize every last second until i've twisted it all to make sense to my own disturbingly distorted reality. it makes me a paranoid person. it gives me insomnia. i feel like i just cant sit still anymore. i've just stopped opening up to everyone. all the people i hold close, the friends i should be able to say absolutely anything to.. they're all left in the dark about what i'm actually feeling at least ninety-five percent of the time. and i know it's making me insane__. i complain about feeling removed, but it's my own fault. i made it this way. and now i just need to figure out how to reverse that. nearly everything about this weekend was unexpected. maybe that’s why i’m in a especially apprehensive mood today-- because i just haven’t been able to make sense of it all yet. i feel intensely happy and irrationally despondent simultaneously.
my stomach is in knots.
my heart is in my mouth.
i’m on tenterhooks.
het up.
strung out.

having kittens.

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

[Monsieur, Monsieur, Monsieur, how about another one?]"

happy easter.

2008-03-23T05:29:00.006-04:00

r.i.p.

2008-03-20T09:17:00.003-04:00

For the past month i've been growing marigolds in a small, blue egg.
it's one of the first times in my life that i haven't killed a plant within a week.
i forgot to feed the cats last night before i went to bed --

and this morning i found the flowers in pieces.

"we talk, we twist, we turn, we blow our circuits."

2008-03-19T17:16:00.005-04:00

___________________

taken out/ let in.
let out/ taken in.

we're reaching for the same thing-
just with different compositions.

___________________ .

"a good drift takes drive."

2008-03-19T03:03:00.005-04:00

there's nothing quite like sitting at the lake at nearly three am with a vanilla coke, a pack of parliaments, and the fiery furnaces.
sometimes i just need to be near water.

[ i miss the ocean.]

"sleepwalk like honey, honey."

2008-03-18T08:29:00.003-04:00

why is spring break over already??

rackle-frackle, baryshnikov.

rantastic.

2008-03-17T15:21:00.002-04:00

Can’t type efficiently enough to catch the thoughts running through my head right now. I want to dance wildly until I fall over from pure physical exhaustion. Mr. face in my lap at the moment seeming agitated by the rapid aggressive typing. Tick tick tick. Space. I want to feel hands on my face and hands through my hair. Skin on my skin. "it's not who you are, no it’s better than that. it’s not who you are not, its better than..” [detachment kit on repeat.] I feel elated one moment and worn out the next. What does it take to find a sense of stability. Where is my plateau? I want to feel close. I need to be apart. I want everything to be new but I’m terrified of the change and I feel trapped trapped so fucking stuck it makes me want to scream and it makes me hate the things I know I really love, but because of the sensation of obligation I cant help but want to lash out. I want to run until my lungs bleed and scream the most obnoxious scream ever heard by human ears. I want to produce something beautiful. I want to make a song or write a book. I want to jump on a plane by myself head off to some foreign city and just disappear. I want to start over and not worry about anything of the present. I love it all and I cant breathe at the same time and I feel like my heart will explode from rapture or sadness or apathy all at once and none of it makes sense even to me but my heart feels it none the less and my emotions have nothing to do with rationality so I guess that’s okay.

"quartz doesn't burn, rust doesn't hum."

2008-03-11T15:54:00.003-04:00

i have the impending sense that a lot is going to change very soon. it's like i can't completely exhale. i haven't had this feeling since late last april-- and look what happened then. it's like the body's way of preparing you, so that the shock won't completely break you.
coffee tastes better than it ever has today.
my psyche feels sherbet-orange and feathered.
i had a dream last night about a huge bird that was the shape and size of an ostrich but the colors of a peacock.

"but nope, with my telescope."

2008-03-10T05:09:00.003-04:00

-"look at that dust. that dust must have been there for like fifty years. doesn't that freak you out??"

________________
________________

-"goldschlager.. why they hell would anyone get us shots of goldschlager??"
-" it's because of your earrings.
i. blame. it. on. your. earrings."

"a good stumble's a symphony."

2008-03-09T14:19:00.004-04:00

it's like being submerged in mud and letting the red of the soil soak into your skin.
it's like listening to whitenoise through headphones.
apple-green and aubergine.

"there's no better time to let the cannons fly,
because there are no whites and there are no eyes."

"i'm waiting to know you far away."

2008-03-09T04:06:00.004-04:00

my eyelids each feel like they weigh twelve pounds.
i'm not sure i'll ever get used to contacts. or lack of sleep for that matter.
i am going to enjoy a week of sleeping in more than even i can comprehend at the moment.

my day has gone from houndstooth to paisley.

__________ x.

"the smoke in your breath/ the breathing hard and heavy.."

2008-03-08T04:18:00.002-05:00

i just spent the last ten minutes trying to get in my apartment using the wrong key.

"you live life like everyone's an enemy."

2008-03-07T15:25:00.008-05:00

my thoughts have the sound of writing rapidly on a chalkboard.
i can't turn them off.
i__can't__turn__them__off.
it's like taking sandpaper to the inside of your skull.

"cover my eyes.
i'm feeling sick.
i'm getting paranoid."

my mind is riddled with the things that aren't-
but could be.

Theo Jansen is incredible.

2008-03-05T23:47:00.002-05:00

you should watch this.
i promise it's worth your time.

"on gentle ground, i'm waiting for you..."

2008-03-05T13:45:00.005-05:00

small steps towards self-motivation____..
lately i have been feeling more inspired-- and i feel constantly compelled to put the ideas out of the clutter of my brain into one type of physical manifestation or another.
now, it's more just a matter of time. the only real prevention to my ambition is not getting out of bed early enough in the day and taking the time to figure out how to go about it.

last night i had another dream about him.
i woke up with a heavy sigh knowing that i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.
___________ x.

my spooky-angel-doll-baby needs a name.

"well that's life, kiddo."

2008-03-04T09:43:00.001-05:00

waking up today-- my bones felt like they were made of wood.

it made waking in the grey at 8:30 am even more delightful.

it melted away the brittle feeling almost immediately.

unfortunately class was the destination.

flash is ridiculously frustrating.
working in a new program every couple weeks is starting to drive me batty.
the minute i start to get comfortable working in one of them, it's time to move onto another program altogether.
i'm not a fan of time-based media. there is a reason i switched from majoring in animation to design.
damn you, design III.
_________________ . .

"please hold me down."

2008-03-03T16:27:00.001-05:00

how do you train yourself to not take things so seriously?

almost daily, i find myself treating trivial matters as though they were situations of life or death.

.___h____________.

[closes eyes.
inhales deeply.
slowly exhales.

10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5..
4..
3.. 2..

..1.]